"I want to be left out alone sometimes"
It happens to me when I go totally silent. I don't talk to anyone. I don't take calls, reply to texts, or meet people. I make excuses, for everything. And it does not even have to mean that someone said or did something bad to me. I can be sad over a thing that happened years ago. Or I can be sad for a reason unknown. And I don't even know whether sadness is the right word for it. Maybe I just get tired. Maybe I just need some peace. I don't know. But I am sure that I mean no harm to anyone. I don't want to make my people feel ignored. Please understand that it has nothing to do with you. I just feel that if I talk to you at this time, I will end up hurting you. I am at my irritating worst in these times, and you don't deserve that version of me. So I get away from you to protect you, not to hurt you.
It's a very helpless feeling that you want to tell the world what exactly is eating you up, but you don't have any words. You just want to soak it all in, the sadness, the stillness, the frustration, the fire, and the anger. It just grips you. It grips you like a spirit. You don't know what has hit you. But somewhere deep, your soul knows this storm. Your heart knows that emotion. And your eyes remember that numbness. It's such an irony, I know. I understand it, but I don't understand it as well. So I have quit on deciphering it. It is what it is. I do go into that sad zone from time to time. I have tried to stop it. But I just can't. I try to stay as nice as I can to people. But if you keep pushing me, I will react in a bad way. So please forgive me for the hurt I reflect when it gets too painful for me.
But a silver lining, I get to feel things more intimately. These breaks make me realize the things that I missed in the daily madness of life. I go deeper into relationships and life. What wrong I have done and what wrong they have done to me. And after every such bout of loneliness, I end up either forgiving or deleting people. It's like a meditation, in a weird, painful way. It makes me feel sadness, but it also makes me feel things I was ignoring.
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