Hency Talks #11

"Heart Talk"

At times, I feel lost in this world. I feel as if I don't belong here. People have made their life only about money and success. Everyone is just running a race. Everyone is just using everyone else to reach that spot, the top spot. And here I am, I am living my life at such a low speed, with too many pauses to feel things more, and with too much time to just sit back and relax. I always think that I have enough. I mean, I don't need too much to live, to be happy. I don't want to become like them and keep running this endless race all my life.

I want to experience things more intimately. I want to invest my time in some people and live their emotions too. I want to belong to something here, not money, not a job, but something that will live on even after my death. I want to experience life in all its beauty and deepness. People here are just doing small talk with everyone else and think they are in touch. But I find these small talks so empty, just a waste of time. Come and sit with me under the stars one night. We will talk about life, emotions, world, stars, feelings, and love. Let's talk, really, really talk. Let's feel each other's vibes. Let's make something out of this time that we have together. Let's allow our souls to speak to each other. That's what I want, deepness. I am tired of this "Hi, hello, how are you?" 

Hency Talks #10

"Do you Feel the same ?"

They all teach you how to live a perfect life. Especially the motivational speakers, ah! they will make you feel like a loser if you are not utilizing every second available for some "productive" work. They want you to become an efficient, focused, and successful robot. But is life really just about being successful? Is it just about being productive? Why can't we just waste our time? Why can't we enjoy the nothingness in life? Why can't we be just lost? I mean, why everything has to be measured in how much money we make, how much we study, and how much work we get done? We are humans with a very fragile heart. We wander. We think. We feel. We get lost. And I am here to tell you that it's okay to be lost for a while. It's perfectly fine to shut everyone and everything out and do absolutely nothing productive.

I am not asking you to be less focused or less productive. Please burn all the oil inside for the light that you are seeking. But if you feel that you have no clue where your life is going and you are feeling all lost, then please don't feel guilty. You are allowed to be lost and helpless. You are allowed to break into a million pieces out of weakness and battering. It's okay, trust me. Take a break. Leave everything, and just breathe. Just feel life. Just feel the beauty in the nothingness of life. It's okay to not worry about that exam. It's okay to let the work take a pause. It's okay to tell that person that you won't be available for a few days. It's okay to scream to the world that you are tired in your soul and you are taking a break. It's okay to go on a journey to find your purpose, to find yourself. It's okay to disappoint people. It's okay to break a few aching bonds. It's okay to let go.

Look, it's you who accepted this slavery of daily routine. So it's you who can say that I am breaking my chains and I am flying away. It's your right. It's what your soul screams at the night when you turn in bed, feeling restless and angry. Just embrace it. Just let it go. Live more. And yes, Big hug.

Hency Talks #9

"Loneliness is a Bliss"

We often complain about being lonely. We see people post pictures with their friends, laughing, smiling, and going all hearts and emojis in their comments. We think that they are having the perfect life, and we are just alone, doing nothing. This thought that others are having fun while I have no one, only this thought makes so many people feel so sad. Many people lose their spark. They believe that they can never be part of any cool gang. They kill their own self-respect, their own belief in their abilities. And social media makes it worse. The posts and pics make you feel like a loser as if you are doing nothing worthwhile. Are you getting me? We are made to feel alone even when we are not. We are made to feel like a loser even when we are not. And you know the worse part? We allow it to affect us.

What is it? You don't have many friends. But what's wrong with that? You are very choosy about people. You are too real to post pics with fake snakes. How can it make you any less cool? You don't go to many group outings. You are not in those birthday posts and videos. So what? You share your life with very few and special people. You have grown out of that stupid rat race of the number of friends or number of likes on a post. You are actually awesome. But since you watch their online game, you think you are just not living it up. Please stop. Loneliness is a bliss. It gives your soul time and space to grow. Surrounding yourself with too many people all the time won't help you become a deep and better person. You have to have that time alone, that time when you feel empty. Only an empty heart can absorb the beauty of life. A heart with too many people and things will just kiss the surface. It takes an alone, empty heart to kiss the soul. Stop with this belief that a crowd around you means you are awesome.

Spend some time with yourself. Think about life, emotions, reasons, people, mistakes, and dreams. Go deeper into things, your feelings, your desires. Become a person full of thoughts, not just a person with many friends online. 

You have one life. Live a real one.

Hency Talks #8

"People change and People leave!"

We all have been there. We all have felt that pain. When we finally trust that person, when we become totally convinced in our hearts that this person won't leave, that person breaks our hearts. That person can be anyone, your best friend, classmate, a family member, your loved ones, anyone can be! We are left with shock and disbelief. It takes us time to even accept what has just happened. We just can't accept that a person who said so many sweet things to us, who promised the moon, can betray us just like that. It shakes you, your trust in people. You go back to the chats, to the conversations, in which you were promised that forever, that never-ending support. It makes your blood boil, looking back at everything as just lies and deceit. You start to doubt every single thing that was said and done to you. You feel disgusted that you lived a lie all that time. You feel terrible that you were just used and played. That hurt, that shock, doesn't just leave you, especially in your moments of silence and solitude.

Don't trust a person blindly. I repeat Don't ! Always keep that space in which you prepare your soul for that heartbreak, for that betrayal. The hell falls upon you when you never had that space. Atleast you will be prepared, so it might lesser your pains, your expectations, your hopes.You were so convinced in your stupid heart about that "forever" that when that mirror breaks, you are just left with your broken pieces in that broken mirror. So, be a good person. Trust people who have earned your trust. But even with them, always keep that emotional space that will enable you to see the truth when it will hit you. Most people live a lie because they are just too close to a person to see the naked truth or to hear the screaming hints.

I have tortured myself for their fault after they left me heartbroken. I have spent my days and nights wondering what exactly went wrong. It's such a helpless feeling that at times you are almost ready to soak in all that anger and forgive that person even without an apology. You try to wash over their sins because it gets too painful to accept that reality. I have taken steps, such that I don't allow people to hurt and come close with me emotionally. I don't want over-friendliness with people. I maintain a limit in everything. Now, I have made myself a little brutal in my heart. I will bury you the moment you break my heart. There will be no fights, no arguments, no patch up, no coming back.

Hency Talks #7

"I am good !"

 

What is sadness? Is it about the absence of a smile on your face? Is it about that you don't crack jokes, laugh, or post funny memes all day? Absolutely not. Sadness has nothing to do with what we show to the world. Sadness is about our soul. Most sad people show off a happy life. They smile, they joke, they laugh, and they share funny things online. You look at them, and you will feel nothing wrong. And even if you ask them "Are you fine," they will just say "I am good." That's how complicated and simple sadness is. And like most things that are not visible to us, we fail to understand sadness as well. We take it as some sort of personality trait, like hey this person is always a sad soul. We don't even acknowledge that sadness is a condition and not a personality type. Nobody wants to be sad. Nobody wants to suffer that pain, daily. But we all are blamed to be sad, and this adds to the mess. In fact, this becomes more frustrating than the sadness itself, this fact that people are laughing at your pain, your sadness.

Sadness makes the uncried tears keep piling up inside. It gets so heavy that your soul yearns to burst into tears and screams. You joke more because you are scared to talk about the deep things. They tell you to be strong. So you act all strong. You hide, you fake, you ignore, and you run. You try to run so far away from the painful reality that you feel lost now. You have no clue how to start clearing this mess. You want help. But whom can you trust? You don't want to trouble your family. So you don't tell them. Your friends act all busy, so you give them space. Your lover always thinks you demand too much and overthink, so you don't bang your head on that wall. So all you are left with is you.

And that's why sadness is the most intimate emotion. You feel it in the core of your heart, on every inch of your soul. You feel sadness in your tears that slip out and those that keep dripping inside. You have felt the anxiety it brings, the breathlessness, the burning skin, the numbness. Sadness is more sad because only you know how it feels.

Hency Talks #6

"Selfish ? Yes I am !"

We all talk about love being a selfless emotion. We all hail people for being selfless. It's a very romantic and pure emotion, Yes. Love can be of various forms love to your parents, love to your best friend, love to your classmates or roommates, love to your childhood , college friends, love to your bus-mates, love to your enemies , Oops! it can be even of hate here, but lets be positive and there are many more forms that love exist. But when you live in a practical world full of flawed people, you have to look at things how they affect you, not how they sound. The opposite of selfless is selfish. And we all think that being selfless is good and being selfish is bad. But is it? Good for whom? Good for you? Or good for others? I have tried being both. I was a selfless person, in my childhood or in my early teens. I used to think that being selfish would make me lose people and I would be known as a bad person. So I used to make sure that other's smile becomes my mission. I never used to ask my friends for the same favors that I used to do them. I never used to compare and ask for more. And I was pretty happy to be that good person.

But with time, I realized that I was just allowing myself to be used by manipulative people who doesn't even care about me. They were shamelessly using me by just giving me a tag of "wow, you selfless human! You are very good girl !" But what that label did for me? Nothing. I was lied to. I was used. I was taken for granted. I was hurt. And I was always expected to take every shit, silently. Why? Because I was a selfless person. There were times when people used to expect that even if we treat her badly, she don't mind, she never feels bad. Even few of them mocked about me, be nice in-front of me and talked bad back of me. Even after doing so much they used to still call me a bad and selfish person. When there's any need they would remember me, when they feel alone they remember me, when they are in trouble they remember me, when they are low, they remember me, but when I need, there's no one around me except my parents. The moment I demanded the same respect, the same priority, the same efforts, I was told "Hey, you have changed." Yes, I have changed. I don't want to be this stupid person you can use as a toy and then throw it off. I can't be a use n throw pen, when ever you feel like you will use and when your work is done you will throw me out. I am a human. I have feelings. I compare, and I get hurt when I see that I deserve better. When I see I don't get the same priority, same respect, same good vibes that I provide you. It matters to me that I was there in your bad times, but in my hour of need, all you had were excuses.

I feel proud of myself that I am not selfless anymore. Yes you heard it right ! I feel proud of myself that I am selfish. If thinking about me and my happiness is selfish, then I am happy to be Selfish! 

I demand equality in all relationships. You want my time, emotions, efforts, honesty, and loyalty? Well, I would give you that but only if you give me back the same things with the same intensity. Otherwise, to hell with you. I have stopped selling my soul for borrowed love. I can't fake anything, all my emotions are natural. I deserve more. I deserve to feel special, to feel respected. After all I love myself ! If this makes me selfish, then bloody hell I am.

Hency Talks #5

"Decrease the volume of NOISE 

and Increase the volume of LIFE"

There is so much going on around us that most of us are just lost. This new age of social media has made us slaves of excessive randomness. We see too much. We hear too much. But most of it does not make any sense. We just keep going with the flow. You hold your mobile and just keep scrolling for hours and hours. You started at something and now you are at something else. And if tomorrow I ask you what you did yesterday, then you won't have anything. You would just say "I don't know. I was just surfing the internet." And end up getting sad that you haven't done anything productive, and this life-cycle repeats. It just forms a pattern. I am not saying that always study or work. But seriously? You got to have some focus in life. You got to know what you want to do, what you want to experience, what your goals are, and how you are going to get there. You stay online all the time, and then you consume so much random stuff that messes up with your brain and peace and even disturbs you within.

We get a lot of news, live updates and all the information that is happening around the world through Internet. But when we look on the otherside, The Internet is full of toxic people. There are trolls who love to make you feel terrible and worthless. The influencers are so plastic that all they want is to make you a copy of their "perfect" human model. The pretty pictures with a perfect face, perfect body, and perfect clothes make you feel insecure for no reason. The "my daddy got money" cool people show off their fancy labels, and you suddenly feel worthless and poor. This is what you consume the whole day. You dive into a pool of golden shit that makes you feel worthless about your existence. You are not doing what you should be doing for your goals, your dreams. How is this not a slow poison for your peace? You are creating your own hell. Even I was also the one who was surfing in the Internet with random stuffs. I went online for getting news updates and I end up wasting an hour in the random memes, surfing pictures and all that. And I didn't even realize how hours passed away doing some random things. 

My advice?

Cut down on your time on randomness. Don't debate in comments online. Delete, unfollow, or block people who make you feel worthless. Enjoy, have fun, spend time on reading, watching, cooking, investing in your hobbies, spend time with your loved ones,exploring new stuffs and do everything that you want to do. But make it focused. Consume the content that you want to become or be reflected by. Even random memes are great. I don't say that don't surf the internet, don't chat with your friends, don't spend time in Instagram,Facebook and all that stuffs, you can spend and you should. Look everyone wants to get entertained, After all, everyone loves socializing right ? And want to look around what all is happening around. But, choose them. And put a clock on everything you do. You have limited time on earth. Don't run around like a headless chicken. 

Think, realize, focus, and live !

Hency Talks #4

"A Pure soul in this soulless World"

I overthink, and I know it. I am not normal like most people here. I am different. I am weird. I am crazy sometimes.I may even act immature and childish sometimes, and I know that. I have seen enough life to know how people are. They are so practical. They think with their brain. They make friends for needs. They are selfish about their goals. They don't feel too much. But I, I think from my heart. I care about people. I never make friends for any work or need. I always try to help people, be kind. And I am able to do all that because I have a heart that's too pure to become selfish. I have got a soul that's always looking to soothe other souls, not use them. And when you have such a heart, such a soul, then you feel things that others can't. And when you feel too much, you think too much. So much, that it becomes a part of you. It doesn't feel abnormal anymore. You know only that way to live.

So when something happens, I know that I am gonna think about it, a lot, a hell lot. At that time, I might react all cool, and like I don't care. But deep in my heart, I know that it will be on my mind for a long, long time. You know, when things matter to you, when people matter to you, then you can't leave things as they are. You can't just turn around and say, oh that's okay. I don't care this person betrayed me. Even I don't understand how people started thinking negative about me, all I have done is to make them happy and crack lame jokes at times and make them laugh, but in result I get hatred sometimes. If there's any fault of mine, do come and tell me not to the others, I will genuinely rectify and try to change myself. But this never happens, people just leave me alone, and they just seem like we have never ever shared any bond between us. I don't give a damn if I was used by this person. No. Hell no. How can it not matter to me? I gave it all my heart, all my soul. It mattered to me. It made my soul smile when it was going good. So today, when it has gone all bust, why won't my soul weep? Why won't my heart break into a million pieces? How can I not think about it the whole night? I will always be the person who will feel too much, who will think too much.

I know it's bad for me. I am not proud to be this soft, this vulnerable. But I know it's nothing to be ashamed of as well. I am proud to have a pure soul in this soulless world. But I am changing one thing. I am getting more and more choosy about people I allow in my life. So I will still be at my purest best with people, but those people will be very, very few. You have to earn my sweetness, my goodness.

Do find this relatable ? Yeah ?

Hency Talks #3

"I didn't change, It's time that changed me"

Time has changed me. And to my surprise, I have become more patient. I react less. I absorb more. I have learned to live with silence. Earlier, so many things used to bother me. And I used to overreact. I used to feel this constant urge to take on the world. Whenever anyone did any wrong, I used to get triggered and blast off. I used to think that since I had a good heart, I could say whatever I want. But with time, I realized that it hurts me only. I waste my time and emotions on people and things that don't deserve this. I have started to put more value on my time now. I brush off so many things because I know that I could put that energy into something more important. It has taken me a lot of frustration and screams. I have burned in my veins, getting irritated with the way the world works. But eventually, I have made my peace with the world.

I no more seek to change people or things. I just float in my own space at my own pace. If I feel anyone is not vibing with me, I just take a walk. I don't force my ideas and my demands on people anymore. I just stay myself. I don't expect people to join me. It matters less to me whether I am the only one who feels a particular way. And this has made my life a calm heaven. Yes, calmness, I mean I was such a crazy mess. I used to have these thousand things running on my mind constantly. But now, I have this zen-like peace in my head. I talk to very few people on the phone. I text even fewer people. I don't meet many new people too. I think I am content with what I have and where I am going. I am happy. I know many people are doing their own crazy, happening things. But I don't even compare or bother.

In a way, I have understood life now. We don't live a common social life. We live a very personal life. The more intimately we live our life, the more peace we will bring to our souls. The more we go into the social circus, the more empty we leave our soul. So, this time has made me look inward. And, it's beautiful. Try it.

Hency Talks #2

"I want to be left out alone sometimes"

It happens to me when I go totally silent. I don't talk to anyone. I don't take calls, reply to texts, or meet people. I make excuses, for everything. And it does not even have to mean that someone said or did something bad to me. I can be sad over a thing that happened years ago. Or I can be sad for a reason unknown. And I don't even know whether sadness is the right word for it. Maybe I just get tired. Maybe I just need some peace. I don't know. But I am sure that I mean no harm to anyone. I don't want to make my people feel ignored. Please understand that it has nothing to do with you. I just feel that if I talk to you at this time, I will end up hurting you. I am at my irritating worst in these times, and you don't deserve that version of me. So I get away from you to protect you, not to hurt you.

It's a very helpless feeling that you want to tell the world what exactly is eating you up, but you don't have any words. You just want to soak it all in, the sadness, the stillness, the frustration, the fire, and the anger. It just grips you. It grips you like a spirit. You don't know what has hit you. But somewhere deep, your soul knows this storm. Your heart knows that emotion. And your eyes remember that numbness. It's such an irony, I know. I understand it, but I don't understand it as well. So I have quit on deciphering it. It is what it is. I do go into that sad zone from time to time. I have tried to stop it. But I just can't. I try to stay as nice as I can to people. But if you keep pushing me, I will react in a bad way. So please forgive me for the hurt I reflect when it gets too painful for me.

But a silver lining, I get to feel things more intimately. These breaks make me realize the things that I missed in the daily madness of life. I go deeper into relationships and life. What wrong I have done and what wrong they have done to me. And after every such bout of loneliness, I end up either forgiving or deleting people. It's like a meditation, in a weird, painful way. It makes me feel sadness, but it also makes me feel things I was ignoring.